Certain names and identifying details have been changed to protect the identity/privacy of the individuals concerned. The foreword further highlights this.
I don’t really want to say this, but here goes: these are my teenage diaries. Why don’t I want to admit it? Because this boy-mad, angst-ridden teenager who wrote the messy scramble of words that I had to decipher was very embarrassing. After I read some of my diaries to my fifteen-year-old daughter, she called the younger version of myself ‘adorkable’ (adorable and dorky rolled into one), and she couldn’t believe how innocent and oblivious I was, especially about boys. But there’s a reason why I was like this. At the beginning of the diaries I was sixteen, never had a boyfriend, and had grown up in New Zealand during the 1970s and 80s as well as being raised in a strict culture (Yugoslav back then, Croatian now). Having come from a Catholic school, where only girls were in Form 1 and Form 2 (intermediate/middle school), I had very little knowledge of boys when I started public high school. On my first day, I had newly short hair (courtesy of my mother, which I wasn’t happy about) and a way too long skirt (also courtesy of my mother, which again I wasn’t happy about) and to make matters worse, the only friend I was starting high school with dumped me on my first day to be with her cousin’s popular friends. Add to that an intensely shy girl, and you can pretty much guess my first year of high school was lonely and very awkward. But when I came back the following year, my hair was longer, I’d learned a neat trick to hitch up my skirt so I didn’t look like a dork, and, unbeknown to me, I had acquired two big assets that boys liked. But, I was still in the mindset of that girl who didn’t have a clue as well as believing I was unattractive. Because of this, I inadvertently turned down a number of boys, which meant by the time I was sixteen I was aching for a boyfriend, screaming out in my head for one, whereas the boys were probably too scared to ask me out after my clueless blunders. So, this is where these diaries begin.
Just a couple of things before you start reading. As is the nature of diaries, I have not recorded all of the events that happened to me during this time; even some important ones have been left out. I have no idea why I didn’t write about them, just that they weren’t in there. Instead, I jotted down only what I felt like writing at the time, often using my diaries to vent or gush about whatever was on my mind. Yet, they do give a snapshot of my life and my thoughts from a viewpoint no one has ever seen. On the outside I was pretty calm, very polite, and didn’t say that much, but as you will see, my mind didn’t match the facade I put up.
Also, since everything in this book is real, I have changed names (of the people I know and the businesses I’ve worked for), even a couple of sports mentioned (not mine) as well as other references to protect people’s identities. And in one extract, I have blanked out a name and changed how I know this person so I don’t breach their privacy.
One last thing, I have included a few extras, such as letters and notes. So enjoy - or if you’re like me, cringe at every word I wrote as an ‘adorkable’ teenager, because I certainly did, and if it wasn’t for my daughter and my editor, who assured me my teenage self was worth reading about, these diaries would have remained hidden under my bed. So, thanks to them, and to the rest of my family, including my wonderful husband.
P.S. If you’re a relative - DON’T PEEK!!!!
I didn’t play badminton that much the last time I went. I had a sore leg so I couldn’t run around, which meant I mostly stayed in one place. My younger sister gave me the sore leg, because we got into a fight over earrings.
Sometimes I get upset when a guy I like doesn’t show up to badminton, but I realise it isn’t because of me, although I still get real hyper about it. And it doesn’t help when the guys that do show aren’t too happy. Devin was pissed off about something near the end of badminton. I tried to cheer him up. I don’t think it was because he lost his games. He didn’t appear to mind that. It was funny (not funny ha-ha, the other funny), because at the beginning he was trying to cheer me up. Though, I have a strange feeling he’s pissed off due to me. I think he might have overheard me and Clara talking about Caleb. Possibly he’s jealous that I like Caleb now. Or maybe he’s upset because his bog-mouth friend Cooper was causing trouble.
I don’t know what brought things on, but Cooper started asking me how Devin was and was teasing me about him, which was stupid because it was ages ago since I let Devin know I liked him, and I thought everyone knew that I went off him to Caleb. I guess not. Or maybe Devin was upset because it was the last night of badminton.
Anyway, I also went to karate the other night, which was real good, especially since Mike was there. His friend Liam was the instructor, because every brown belt has to take a class before they become a black belt. Mike, who’s also a brown belt, was left to go round and check everyone was doing things correctly. Well, I know he knows my name and he acted quite friendly towards me. He showed me how to do a few techniques, then put a stick in front of me, which I was supposed to kick over, but I kept hitting it, which of course I wasn’t supposed to do. I felt like a drongo. He just grinned.
When we were finished, I got changed and went out to wait for Dad. Mike and his friend Brent came out.
Brent was saying: “If I did that I would be like you.” Then he glanced my way and said: “Oh no, you and her.”
Mike replied: “I’ll get you for that.”
I think Brent was teasing Mike about me, although I didn’t understand why, since I don’t think Mike likes me. Maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe it could just mean he’s taking more notice of me, it seems that way sometimes.
I got a video out today. Clara, one of my best friends, came over. The video was called ‘National Anthem’, and was about gymnastics. It was one of those movies that makes you want to do the sport, but I’m not good at gymnastics, I hated it when I did it in primary school. It’s one of the few sports that I can’t do well in, even though one of my primary teachers thought I was great at it, which I totally didn’t get why. All she needed to do was watch me and she would have known how much I sucked at it. Once during gym class, she told all the other students to watch me do a cartwheel. She turned away to look at them just as I did this really pathetic cartwheel, and I mean REALLY pathetic, then turned back right after I’d finished. Next thing she’s telling the class: “That’s how you do a cartwheel.” It was hilarious.
Anyway, forget about gymnastics, what I want is for Mum to let me continue doing karate, because I’ve got a feeling it’s something I’m going to be good at. Usually at the beginning I’m disappointed when Mike doesn’t show up, but as I get more into the lesson I’m soon very happy. It’s so exhilarating. I love sport.
I’m now in hospital after dislocating my little toe on my right foot at karate. It’s hard to write, because my hand has got this thing in it that the drip goes through. Before I start writing about what happened today, I’ll tell you about Thursday and so on.
On Thursday I went to work with Mum at the cafe. It was alright. Then at night I had karate. Mike wasn’t there. I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be writing about him a lot. It’s because I have a big crush on him, but it’s different from the other crushes I’ve had. All I ever want to do is impress him or be near him. I can’t help it. He’s so nice. Let’s face it, he’s gorgeous! It’s so confusing with boys. You never know whether they’re interested in you or not, and when you let your feelings show, you’ve gone and put your foot in it again. Sometimes I wonder whether they’re mocking or admiring me. I just wish for once it would be the second view.
All I want to do now is to improve myself, especially when it’s the holidays. I want to return to school changed, so that boys (Mike in particular) will like me. I could grow my hair long. That would make me look different. I feel like my features are changing. I feel more confident in my looks. I don’t exactly know why, but I do. It could be that I’m growing more mature and into a young woman. I reckon I could look really pretty. I sometimes feel I could be a model. I just need to be done up that’s all. Yeah, because I have a nice skin colour, like I’m tanned all year, and I’ve got big eyes that could be used to my advantage, and I’ve got a nice oval face. And the colour of my eyes could be brought out nicely, especially with dark eyeliner and mascara. And my lips are just right, while my hair is real feathery, especially when it’s washed. I could be real Spanish looking if I put dark makeup on and curl my hair. I reckon I could be a model, and I’m going to prove it. And I’m going to try my best to get Mike!
But, back to Thursday’s karate. It went good. Boy, do I love that sport. We did some more fighting and a lot of exercises. That young black belt is real cute, his name’s Ryan. But guess what? I’m saving all my love for Mike.
On Friday I stayed home, on Saturday Mum, Nina (my younger sister), and I went to Manukau City. It was good. Mum got the Yugoslav music tape from Aussie today. Dad got a surprise this morning when Mum put it on.
I’m getting distracted again, so AGAIN back to karate! I got up as usual on Sunday (today), made breakfast in bed for Nina’s birthday (she’s now 14), had my own breakfast, then rode off to karate. We started the session with a warm up and stretches, Jeremy took it, he’s a green belt. Then we all went to one end of the hall and started playing a game just like bull-rush. After a couple of times running up and down, dodging the middle person, who was trying to touch us out of the game, I collided with an orange belt and wacked my foot against the floor. It was then that I saw my little toe was bleeding and my bone was protruding out of the skin. I went into shock and wasn’t able to tell anyone what had happened, although I tried to. So I went to rinse my toe in the girls’ loos. Then Nick, a brown belt, and the lead black belt, came over to see what was wrong. They saw that my toe was broken and Nick went off to get changed so he could take me to the hospital. Meanwhile, I had my foot up on a desk with the black belt talking to me, while I’m looking attentively at Mike, wondering whether he had noticed me. My toe wasn’t really hurting, well, not that much, just majorly pulsating.
Nick came back and the black belt carried me to Nick’s car. Nick then took me to the hospital. He phoned Mum, and stayed with me until Mum and Dad came, then he returned to get my gear and bike, so he could take them home for me. Nick’s nice, he’s really friendly.
I got my toe put back in place, but before they could do that they had to put it to sleep with an injection which HURT LIKE CRAZY! It felt like the doctor had stabbed the needle right through my toe. I didn’t watch when he put my bone back in place, because my toe looked horrible and floppy. I hadn’t actually broken it, it was dislocated. It felt heaps better after, because it had stopped pulsating, which was more of a nuisance than a pain, unlike that needle. Another thing that is a nuisance is the thing in my left hand for the drip. It limits my writing ability, because I’m unable to lean on it.
Mum and Dad left when I was moved to my room, but Dad came back later around 6:15pm. He brought me my things, and stayed for a while. I changed into a nightie before Dad arrived, which was more comfortable. I haven’t been out of bed since this morning now.
There was this lady earlier in the same hospital room as me who is 93, but she wasn’t very well. I think she had just come back from theatre. There’s another old lady here who is 83, she isn’t well either. It’s strange how people treat the elderly like children, especially when they can’t do very much. The old lady across from me is treated like a little child. I feel sorry for her, but I suppose she’s lived a happy life. Her family were really nice; the little boy with them was so adorable. There has been a lot of kids here today, visiting their grandparents. Each one of the ladies in my room had a small child visiting them.
Now I’ve finished telling you about what happened to me, I still feel like writing. I feel like spilling out everything. Even though I’m in hospital, I feel great. All I want to do is to start right back from where I left off. I just feel so full of life. I should stop writing now, because it’s getting hot and late. Man, I just can’t hold in what I feel. So, before I write any more “Good night.”
I’m out of hospital now so will tell you what happened over the past week, but before I do that, I want to say one thing: I have no idea why I wrote all that stuff about me being a model, because I was an IDIOT! And a blind one who obviously doesn’t look in the mirror enough. Idiot. Man, I should cross it out, but I suppose no one’s going to read it, so I can’t be bothered. Anyway, they have to decipher the great mess called my writing. Ha-ha. Suckers.
Back to writing – messily. On Monday one of the black belts came to visit me. He’s going to be the second highest black belt soon. He exercises so much, especially in aerobics. Then Mum and my younger sister stayed for a while, and later on, about 4 pm, my older sister came (Lauren is 22). She told me she will be engaged in a couple of months when she gets the ring. The reason she isn’t engaged right now is because her boyfriend and her are saving up for a car. I’m not supposed to tell anyone until it’s official, and when it’s official, a year later they will be married. Isn’t that great? Her boyfriend is a million times better than her last one. She reckons so too. She doesn’t exactly have great taste in guys. When I was younger I used to tease her about one of them, but that was my job as a younger sister, he-he. Although I was a jerk for doing it, especially since the guy had a stutter. I can’t remember how old I was, but whenever I said his name to her I would say ‘M-M-M-Mason’, mainly because every time he phoned for my sister he would say his name this way, so I would repeat it. There was also this advertisement where the singer said that name for some type of housing product, so sometimes I would sing it too. Told you I was a jerk.
The girl in the bed next to me knew my older sister from Stanton School. She broke her ankle when she fell off her horse.
Anyway, when my sister left the hospital after a long talk with me, I was wheeled over in my bed to the TV room, where I watched the Emmy awards until they were finished. After that I was taken back to my room and went to sleep.
The next day I stayed in hospital until about 3:00 pm, which was when Mum came and picked me up to take me home. I got my crutches and I can use them well.
Clara visited me on Tuesday. Obviously, I didn’t go to karate, even to watch. Nothing much to say about Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday, Mum and I got up early to go get my toe cleaned and strapped. It was real quick. Then we went to Shanton for a quick look at clothes, then back home. Mum left for work after that. Nothing much happened that day, except Mum got me Dad’s Father’s Day present and card, and some art stuff.
I just rang Caleb (from badminton) to see whether he wanted to see ‘Short Circuit’ but he said he’d seen it with his little brother. This may be true, but I’m getting frustrated with boys. Whatever I do about them, nothing ever seems to come out of it. And I’m getting fed up, and now I’m thinking about it, I’m going to do a scene to make boys interested in me, and I know I can do it too, because I reckon Caleb did like me, so why not? I read a book about this girl who was too shy around boys for them to take notice of her, so her friends set up scenes to make her popular. She had a schedule for each day of the week to get boys’ attention, like in some classes she would drop a pencil (for a boy to pick up), or she rang up a boy about homework or asked them innocent questions just to make them notice her, and it worked. So why shouldn’t it work for me too? And also I’m on crutches, so boys have got to be a little curious.
Schedule for what good-looking boys are in my classes:
Bio – Kenneth?
Art – ?
Computers – More than one.
Typing – Matthew??
Study – Matthew. Kane!
I can smile a lot and say “Hi.” In Study I can ask to borrow something, then smile – most innocently. What a joke. It’s fun having a diary, where you can write way-out ideas. The only thing I’m worried about is someone else reading it.
Another idea is I can walk, or in my case, hobble past Mike a lot to catch his interest and I can smile. Most people say my smile is cheeky, mischievous. Though, it can get me into trouble sometimes because I often smile when I’m getting told off. But I can’t help it, it’s a nervous reaction. Not my fault they think I’m being cheeky.
Who else can I work on? Even 5th formers, fourths are a bit too young at my age, maybe when they’re older, but I doubt it. It’s got to be someone special like Mike! This last term has got to be my lucky term. I hope!
I can be really friendly. I should be nicer to Jill though, because she doesn’t have a lot of friends. I reckon the way she acts is just a show when she is around people. A lot of people are like that. They’re all show. That gives me an idea. Well, not really, but I just remembered Robert Jenkins. I think he liked me in 5th form, so there’s another guy who’s alright. I know this term is going to be different and I’m going to prove it. I’m going to set a goal and get what I want. I can change everything. I’ll be a whole lot friendlier, talk to more people, make them notice me. I’ll start straight away when I get to school. Mum will be giving me a ride because of my foot, which means my younger sister and Shena will also get a lift. So, when I get to school I can smile at everyone, be really friendly and jokey, just to make people – boys – notice me. I need to boost my self-esteem. I am DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND VERY SOON!!
I am just so fed up with my younger sister, all she ever does is try to annoy me and she’s very good at it. I wish she would just quit it; it really gives me a headache and makes me so frustrated. You just can’t win with her.
I had my birthday on Wednesday – Mum, my younger sister, and I went to see ‘Short Circuit 2’ and I got some real nice earrings from Clara, she also gave me some stockings. And prior to this, on Father’s Day, we all went to my grandparents’ place for a relations’ gathering. I got my present from Aunty Tiana there.
There’s nothing much else I want to say about what happened over the past week, but I would like to write down what I feel. I’m getting excited about school, but I still want it to be holidays. I just have to make a change for myself. Today, I was looking for clothes to wear to school on Monday, because I want to look good like everyone else. I want to feel good about myself. I feel like washing my hair now, but I won’t, because it’s better to wash it on Sunday so it’ll look nice for school. I wonder what will happen there – whether it’ll be the same old frustrating stuff or a nice change for once with a bit of excitement, like two guys going after me, and both of them are gorgeous. Wouldn’t that be great? And I wouldn’t know which one to pick, although I would probably choose one from the other. In America they date more than one person at the same time. I reckon it should be one at a time, whether you are going steady or not.
I hope that things will change at school for me, meaning I get to go out with boys, so I’ve got to get my plan working, meaning the schedule for getting them to notice me. I don’t want to chicken out or anything. I’m seventeen now, and I think it’s high time for me to have a boyfriend, so I’m going to try my hardest to prove to Mike or any other boy that I’m worthy of being their girlfriend.
There’s going to be a lot of smiling going on from Monday at school.
My brother is coming tonight (he’s 20). He’s bringing presents for me and my younger sister, since our birthdays are close together. I think I’m getting a record voucher. If I’m right, I would probably buy either Kylie Minogue’s or Debbie Gibson’s record.
I want to change my bedroom around, but since the holidays went so quick I didn’t have the time, so in the Christmas break I’m going to totally redecorate it, and I’ve got heaps of ideas to make arty things for my room, like halving a car and joining it to the wall. I’ll have the windscreen area as a mirror and the seat in the car will open up to be a drawer, and the front trunk will also be used for storage, and it will be covered in soft material. I don’t know what the material is called, maybe velvet or something like that. Crushed velvet? I’ve got heaps of other ideas, but I don’t feel like writing them all down, but the car is the first on my list.
I better do my homework now.
‘21 Jump Street’ was so cool tonight. Man, Johnny Depp is super gorgeous. He was acting undercover as the tough guy. He wore a bandana around his head and was in denim. If a guy like him was at my school, man, every girl would be after him. And seeing someone like that makes me want to be cool, and it makes me want to be liked by boys. I wish I could go to school wearing a hat or a bandana, but I just don’t have the guts to do it. Maybe in the third term my image will change, and I will become more well-known.
I wore Clara’s hat all day. I didn’t bother mingling with boys, but I promise I will tomorrow. Anyway, I saw Mike. He is just so-o-o-o gorgeous. I really want to go out with him. Today he was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and his black jacket. He’s got a real nice bod too, actually the truth is – he’s got a gorgeous bod and everything that comes with it. The problem now is that I won’t be going to karate so I can’t see him, and at school, the only time I see him is when I go out of my way to the art room at roll call, and also if I’m lucky I may see him after or before school. But I can’t get him to notice me. It’s really annoying. What do I have to do to get his attention? And dislocating my toe doesn’t count.
Well, he saw me with Clara’s hat on, but he didn’t show any interest. Actually, I wasn’t looking at him straight, only out of the corner of my eye, so I couldn’t really tell what he was doing.
Day 5 tomorrow.
I used to make up a list of all the classes Gabriel Norton had with me or near me. I really liked him; he liked me a lot in 4th form, I only wish I had believed him. I might have gone out with him if I had. I was such a moron, but how was I supposed to know he liked me that much? Okay, he called me spunky and kept looking at me, but I wasn’t used to being noticed by guys, so my stupid brain didn’t register it. I realise it now, but back then I didn’t have a clue. No boys paid me attention in 3rd form, then all of a sudden in 4th form three guys in my class were paying me attention. I didn’t believe it, because two of them were in my class the previous year and they never paid me attention then. And when Gabriel did, I felt flattered, but I never really thought he was serious, just thought it was all a tease, until he found out (from one of my so-called friends) that I had sent a stupid note to an older boy (which led to nothing, because I didn’t sign it). But I wasn’t going out with Gabriel, and I didn’t really understand how much he liked me. And anyway, I don’t understand boys, they confuse me. If he thought I was his girlfriend, he should have asked me out, because how was I supposed to know otherwise. I DON’T UNDERSTAND BOYS!
Back to now. I can’t make a list of classes for Mike, because he isn’t in any of mine since he’s a 2nd year 5th former.
Everything is happening so quick, it’s confusing. I’m really busy. I got my poetry project handed in on time, but only because I stayed up way past 11:00 (obviously pm) to do it, and worked on it all through my other subjects and lunchtime just to get it finished and out of my hair.
The Olympics are on tomorrow at 12:30, which is really exciting. ‘Teen Wolf’ the movie is on at night, and so is ‘21 Jump Street’ with Johnny Depp, which is my favourite programme at the moment.
Mum brought some perming solution home today for Nina and her. I’m having thoughts about my hair being done too.
I can’t wait till the Christmas holidays. School finishes on November the 18th. I could do what I like, it would be so choice! I’m going to totally redecorate my room, and I’ll be back at karate by then.
44 days left of school.
Mike is gorgeous, but I have to control my feelings and keep it cool. I know I write about him a lot, (but) the reason for this is that I want to talk to someone. I’m not only ranting and raving about him in my diary, but I’m letting my feelings out to cool off. I need to talk to someone, like I said before. I need a boyfriend. I get so lonely sometimes. Well, not really lonely, but I feel like there’s something missing in me. Clara has a boyfriend, Mike (not my Mike obviously) and she’s really happy. Well, it makes up for her first boyfriend Samuel. I don’t know why she went out with him; she must have liked him a weenie bit, even though she says she can’t stand him, and calls him names.
I saw Mike (my one) walking home from school today. I reckon he doesn’t like me at all. It’s just a bad feeling.
Gorgeous bright blue eyes, slim, and the right height (taller than me). Dark brown wavy hair, a gorgeous style. Gorgeous bod.
I’ve just got to get him out of my mind, unless by some way-out miracle, which is most highly unlikely, he asks me out. To get him out of my head, I’ve got to think of other things, like concentrate on work. I’ve got 3 projects to do by the end of the month, lots of tests and an exam for Typing, which will be 2 hours long.
Bio – Birds (rare).
Typing – Folio (on myself).
Computers – Essay on any topic to do with computers.
I need to go to the library to return some books and to get some out for Bio and Computers, as well as get other information. I could work down there – study – do homework.
Well, good night.
3 more weeks until I start karate again. I can’t wait. I really want to go; it’s so different without it. I wonder what I will do when I get back - because of my toe. Also, I will be missing badminton for 3 weeks, since it starts tomorrow. I hope that Caleb won’t turn up when I’m not there. That would ruin everything.
I want to write a book. It could be about this girl who’s got this crush on this boy at her karate class. I might have to change that, because if someone reads it, it could state the obvious. Anyway, back to the story, this girl also goes to badminton and she likes a guy there as well. She gets her friends to ask him out for her and he says yes, but they don’t get together because he has a job on the only night they can meet. She gets so confused and school becomes frustrating, and all she can wait for is the Christmas holidays. Also, she misses karate because of a dislocated toe, and badminton also. She’s unsure of herself and wonders whether she will ever get a boyfriend.
AND, she wants to ask the boy from karate to go to a school ball – her friends do it for her. She feels embarrassed around him sometimes, but goes out of her way just to see him, without him noticing her, because she has an art class in his form room.
PLUS, her best friend has a new boyfriend and she feels even more lonely when she sees them together, and sometimes is annoyed because her friend is always with her boyfriend and his friends, and she’s not too keen on this.
This could make a great book. I could write it in the holidays, and when I get more time I could also do my art sculptures after it. I reckon the story’s a great idea, and would be suited to the teenage public. They would be interested in it. I’ll read more teenage books in the holidays when I have time. I don’t think it would be good for the adult public. When I grow up, I could write one for them, but right now I prefer teenage books.
I could write a book like Victoria Holt. Mum could read it, because she likes those books a lot. I could study her books and also Barbara Cartland’s ones. I’ve never read a Cartland book before, but I know Victoria Holt’s books are good.
I could write it about a princess who runs away from home because of her sister’s jealousy of her beauty. She’s scared for her life, so she leaves behind her childhood darling, who her sister fancies. The princess then travels into the country with a new identity to protect herself. She comes to a small village which is run by this big manor that has mysterious owners, and one who she falls in love with. But meanwhile her other lover goes in search for her, but not knowing why she ran away he leads the main character’s sister to her, who is mysteriously beautiful, but very wicked, and so all three become entangled in the mystery of the manor house, and its secret murders. The older sister dies in the end and the owner of the house goes missing – he murdered the older sister, thinking she was the other one. And the childhood sweetheart saves the good sister’s life and they go back to her father’s palace and get married. There could be a sequel to it. That would be great.
Man, am I tired. It’s a Saturday morning. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night. My toe’s getting better, and from tomorrow I’ve got two weeks before I can do anything – sport, I mean. I’ve got to hand in a biology project next Friday, so I need to do it this weekend, then during the week I have to finish photocopying all the information I’ve got on the subjects. I also got an English project to hand in, so that will be done during lunch time and after school at the library. And then there is the Typing resume project due. Heaps of homework! I don’t really have any time to be bored. Well, I know I won’t be bored during the Christmas holidays. I’m counting the days. I’ve got so much stuff I want to do then. This year, I’ve never been bored in the holidays, because I had lots of work and the time left was taken up quickly.
18th of November is the day we get off school, which isn’t that great, because now I’ve got to wait approximately 39 days before school is finished – I think that’s near enough correct.
I will be missing another karate lesson and Tuesday’s karate lessons till I go back, I think. I can’t wait. I played badminton yesterday, doubles. We won one game. All I could do was hobble around the court doing my best. I don’t have to go to the doctor’s anymore since I can change the dressing myself.
Clara’s birthday is coming up, so I have to get her something. I’ve already got my mum’s present; her birthday is a week from Tuesday.
I will be missing another two weeks of badminton. I hope I won’t be missing Caleb. Devin might be there too.
(Sorry, I’m writing in such a mess. I’ll try to tidy it up.)
I remember when I had badminton last, these guys who knew Devin were teasing me about an old crush I had on him. I don’t know why, because he’s cute and all, and I would go out with him if he asked me, but I wouldn’t go barmy over him. It happened a long time ago. He’s alright, I suppose. Though, I shouldn’t have talked about Caleb around him, because he looked a bit glum and I was being stupid about Caleb like that. If Caleb wants to go out with me, it will happen and if he doesn’t then too bad. The same thing goes for Mike and Devin, because I’m sick of worrying about it and trying to speed things up. I don’t like being made a fool of, and I won’t take it. I’m not going to ask any boys out anymore! Unless I am their girlfriend officially! Well, I better go and do my jobs, so I can start on my homework as soon as possible and finish it quickly.
I’m going to someone’s birthday party on Saturday at 7:30. I don’t even know who the person is. You see, Clara invited me because she knew the person from her Youth group. It’s at the hall, next to the Methodist church. I don’t even know what a Methodist is.
Today I felt like such a jerk. Since I like Mike Nicholls, when it was time to go home, I walked slow, because I wanted to see him, but him and his friends were late, so I went all over the place to give them a chance to catch up. I am NEVER going to do that again!! I felt like a real jerk, he probably didn’t notice me. Probably lucky he didn’t because I was a mess. From now on, I am just going to walk home normally! I also felt like a jerk at lunch after art when I was drawing, because when I looked up from drawing he turned around. I got the feeling that he thought I was looking at him. That happened twice and I didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t my fault, it was an accident. That also happened once before when I had a crush on Gabriel Norton, and it wasn’t my fault then either, it was just a coincidence.
I saw Mike a lot today because he went to his locker, which is near mine and he also walked past to go to a class. It looked like he was looking at me; I felt embarrassed and lowered my head. I must be more confident in myself!
I have my Bio project to hand in on Monday, an English project tomorrow, an art project on Wednesday, the Typing resume for Thursday, and the art folio to be handed in soon, but I don’t know when.
(Written on paper and found in diary)
I’ve got 2 more weeks before I can go back to doing sport (properly) again – karate and badminton. Mike will be at karate. I have been seeing him a lot lately since he’s been going to his locker and classes, which means he has to walk past me. It’s just been this week that I’ve seen him a lot, I don’t know why.
I can’t wait till I go back to karate and badminton. At badminton I might see Caleb again. I hope I do. I might even see Devin too. I just want to know who’s going.
At karate Mike will be there, as I said before. He is just so gorgeous, (and) I really want to go out with him. It would be neat if I could get into his group. I never knew this group before this year, and it’s mainly because of karate that I know who they are now. I wouldn’t know who they were if I didn’t go to karate. I wish Mike would notice me. He probably does actually, but I reckon he reckons I’m a jerk who’s got a crush on him, which is true, because I do have a crush on him and I feel like a jerk around him. It’s not fair, why doesn’t anyone I like, like me. I should have taken the opportunity with Gabriel Norton. I could have gone out with him (if I had a brain!). I also had some other guys every so often interested in me, but they were either too young, too short, or creepy old guys (shiver), or just jerks, like one guy who used to bug me when I was fourteen. He got a friend to ask me if I liked him in class, but I didn’t like him like that, though he was nice enough (at that point!). Anyway, the unfortunate bit was that the guy who was asking for him was someone who I actually had a crush on at the time, so I was embarrassed (and annoyed), so I sort of was trying to ignore his question because I didn’t want to answer it. But the guy didn’t take a hint and eventually I said no, but I must have said it too softly because he continued asking until I snapped and yelled “No!” in the middle of class. I felt so-o-o bad about doing that, but he was driving me nuts. Though, I paid for it afterwards (still am) because the guy’s friends started teasing me and calling me ‘sloppy box’. And I do know what it means! But how can I be a sloppy box if I haven’t had sex let alone kissed a guy?! Jerks. I don’t go around calling guys names just because I got turned down. Plus, the guy who liked me smacked my butt at skating. I should’ve punched him, like I punched his mate for slapping me when I made him drop his books. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but still, he shouldn’t have slapped me. Though, my punch made him cry. Guess I was made for karate.
All up, it’s really depressing not having gone out with anyone. It gets lonely. All these pretty girls have got it made, why can’t I have a little bit of opportunity (now)? Sometimes, or most of the time, I reckon guys think I’m weird. Well, not exactly, but it feels like all I need to do is to look at them and they think I’m staring. It’s because of my big eyes. That’s what I reckon anyway, though I hope they don’t think that.
I’ve got to pick up my art after English, so I can do some work on it over the weekend. I will probably see Mike when I get it. I hope he doesn’t think I’m following him around.
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