Marketing: The Self-Published Author's Guide to Grey Hair ... and OCD.

Now, if you've determined enough (or just stupidly stubborn like me) and have had enough of literary agents pissing you about (me!) you have decided to self-publish your own book. So? Obviously you must think you have a shit hot book, if at least a lukewarm one, good enough for the mass hordes to read. But how do you get them to read or even look at your cover without the big budgets of those Godlike Publishers? Here's my take on things (regardless of whether they were good or straight out stupid ideas to get attention):

1) A Blogsite: Well, if you're reading this now then I've partially succeeded in getting your attention. But wait a mo, it still doesn't mean that you're going to click that big Amazon button and go look at my book (Chance for a promo here: Behind the Hood! Go buy it NOW ).

So, how can a self-published...No, not a failed writer as Beatrix Potter self-published. It's true! Go google it or watch that movie with Rene Zellweigger (too hard to spell) in it. Anyway, you're criticisms of self-published authors is distracting me, so back on track. How does an author with enough balls go about getting you to push that Amazon button? And the answer is .... write posts about your book, picking out topics that relate to it, like the musicians that you may have mentioned in it. You can even put some youtube vids in, getting the reader into the mood of your book. OR, if you're a bit boring and have no interesting musicians in your book then you can relate it to another book that is famous and has similar topics. (Another promo opportunity here: All you Once Were Warriors fans cook me some eggs (sorry, Kiwi humour) and push that Amazon button).

2) Okay, I'm moving on now as the above idea is boring me. So, what's next you say...and I yell GOODREADS you beauty. Got a few sales out of that place, and I like it a lot. This honey of a place is a book review site where readers pop your book on their to-read list and some of those that haven't forgotten about their to-read list will actually read your book, then either rate or review and rate it. And once they do that all their mates (like in facebook) will see what a fantastic (or really bad) book you've written. (Promo opportunity! And you're going to get this a lot in this post: I got a shi... I mean a lot of 5 star reviews. You don't believe me? Man ... you've got trust issues. Click this link to check it out: Behind the Hood is so awesome that you better buy it now! So, you've checked it out, told you I wasn't bullshi... lying.)

Another thing on Goodreads that helps the poor-starving self-published author out is Listopia. Here there are lists of all sorts of genres, the best of each category and even silly ones. And to get onto these lists all you need to do is to vote for the book in the category that you like the most. Mine has gotten to the top of a New Zealand list and is third on The Best of Urban Fiction list (dudes, go vote and make it number 1) as well as a number of others. The proof in the pudding is seen on this page: Vote for me (No! I'm not cheating, killjoy!)

Because of these votes, that you promised to make by reading this page (it's in the smallprint. I can't help it if you need glasses, it's there!), I get more people putting my book on their to-read list, and better yet their "read" list. Cha-ching, money in my depleted bank account.

3) Moving on now. And then you have Facebook. Everyone go and "like" my lamo...I mean fantastic page so that more people can see it because I'm too cheap (or poor, NO, not poor...yeah, too cheap) to pay 50 bucks US a day (too expensive). Here's the link (again, it's in the fineprint so you MUST "like" it) A lamo page, but it has my brilliant (because I said so) book on there. And Facebook does work as well as probably piss of all your mates and family on there because you bombard them with BUY MY BOOK! posts. Though, to my credit I did tell my sister not to buy it as well as my brother 'n law...but then again I told all of my family not to buy it, as well as some neighbours, telling them that it has an R Under50 on it. I don't want the old folk telling me off for all the bad language, sex and violence in there, do I? Pity, the brother 'n law didn't listen and still bought the damn thing.

Hence, Goodreads and Facebook both work (minor the pissed off relatives and friends that will eventually block you because of all your ads, like my brother did to my sister). But the blogsite doesn't. (Go push that Amazon button now to prove me wrong, you'll feel better about yourself. No, I really do mean it, blogsites don't work--go on push it - p-push it real good... what? You haven't heard of Salt&Pepper? Then you're either to young to read my book or so old that I don't want you too, but you can still buy it, just don't read it, you old fart.)

4) Twitter. Yes, Twitter works because it shows on my blogsite statistics (like Facebook and Goodreads) that this site has directed the mass hordes back here. What? You say that means my bogsite must work? I don't agree, because you still haven't pushed that incredibly hot looking book cover down the side of this post. So, before I start singing Salt & Pepper ... too late...

 PUSH IT...

Now Twitter can be a waste of time too, with blokes bugging you with pick up lines through direct messages (though, it does wonders for your ego). But, I have had sales out of it by tweeting about my fantastic book as well as putting links back to chapters that I have on my blogsite through #SampleSunday (Shut up! You still haven't convinced me that blogsites work. What? Amanda Who? Oh, you say Amanda Hocking has made a shi...watch the language, unlike my book this is not an R18 site here, so keep it clean... Okay, you were saying that Amanda Hocking has managed to sell a million or so books through being an avid blogger (and twitterer) as well as having gotten a huge contract (not a hit) from one of those Godlike (not Godfather) type beings called publishers. Hah! I say, she's the exception to the rule until you push my Amazon button. And I know if you haven't because as soon as I became a self-published author I picked up a nasty habit (or disease) of checking my Amazon sales page at least once ... okay ten times a day to see if I've had any new sales. Yeah, a minute after I checked you never know I might get a new sale, so to be safe I have to check it again. Just a sec, I better go check it now as you might have gotten off your procrastinating finger and pushed that button....

2 minutes later...You, sonofa*&^%, you didn't listen, didja? No sale, zip...zero...zilch. Pity I'm not in America where I can sue your arse off.... Wait a mo....  10 minutes later, sorry I had to take a toilet break then check my sales again. And guess what? Still no sales! You'll be hearing from my lawyer (or the husband who used to be a lawyer) soon.

Large Print: If you read this you must buy my book.  Small Print:                      Told you, you needed glasses.