Saturday, September 7, 2013

10 Reasons Not To Read My New Book: DON'T PEEK

1) The title told you "don't peek" so read betweeeeeeen the lines ... or just the words will do. DON'T PEEK!

2) They're diaries, private ones, so again, get your nose out of that book. You say that they're published, so that means they're not private anymore? So what! The cover still says don't peek. Sheesh, some people.

3) They are diaries of a teenage girl, not an adult pretending to be a teenager, so they're booooring. No drugs in here, so "Go Ask Alice" where they are, because I have never smoked and never want to. What did you say? That I won't know if I don't try it? I smelt it, it stinks. Get shut in a room with a whole lot of Dalies during the eighties and your eyes go red and water from cigarette fumes. Also, walk past any student flat and that sweet smell is definitely not enticing. Enough said, unless you're dumb and don't understand what I'm saying. No, I didn't say you were dumb, that ... Oh, forget it.

4) You want proof that these are real diaries. Why would I say they belong to me if they weren't? They are full of embarrassing things. I was a total clueless sap back then. All I could think about was boys, boys, boys, karate, badminton, boys, school, boys, my family, boys ... and oh, yeah, did I say boys? BOYS! So, it'll drive you mad.

5) Also, I warned you not to peek, so if you get annoyed by the use of the word "gorgeous" it's your own fault, and as my teenage self said, if a guy is gorgeous then what else is there to call them? You say "handsome". This is a teenager's diary, not an old fart's one. No, I didn't say you're an old fart, you just did.

6) My diaries show that I was an extremely moralistic young thing, oh God, was I ever, to the point I almost considered taking chunks of it out, but in the end I decided not to, because I wanted to stay true to what I was like. Also, my older sister said I was the goody-two-shoes of the kids. So, fair warning, don't complain when I go on and on about what are the appropriate things to do. Remember, it's your fault you peeked.

7) I blanked out some words. Not me now, my teenage self did it (except for one bit which I had to do in regards to protecting someone's privacy) Why? Because apparently I didn't want to get caught swearing, even though a couple words still slipped through. You've read my other books where there are swearwords all over the place? This is non-fiction and is about sweet little me, not the foulmouthed Tama or the filthy-mouthed Dante from the Behind the Lives series. That is their reality, this is my teenage one. And I didn't grow up in South Auckland, I lived there in my twenties and thirties. I grew up in Mt. Wellington first, then... Not telling you the second one because I'm there now. I'm not stupid (ignore my 6th form marks) because I have read Misery. Yes, in my teen years I was a huge fan of Stephen King.

8) I was a hyperactive little teenage bunny who couldn't stop exercising. Apparently, my husband told me I used to have a faint six pack. I don't remember, but the amount I exercised back then I believe it. My daughter reckons I have ADHD, but she's just cheeky!

9) You will either be in two camps: a) My thoughts will make you cringe or b) They will make you laugh. So, there's a 50/50 chance you will pay .99 cents to cringe.

10) The book is only .99 cents. You say that's a good thing? I say it's only worth .99 cents, which means the OPPOSITE. You really aren't that bright, are you? No, no, I didn't just type that... delete, delete, why won't it delete! Back now, I was talking to the person behind you. There's no one behind you? How would you know, they WERE behind you. Past tense, not present dense, no, I meant tense!

Why are you still reading this? There is no number 11, that's why it's called "10 Reasons Not To Read My New Book, blah, blah, blah..." so go away, shoo, bugg... Leave now or I'll block you. This book is not for you, so...


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